31 I am not the victim of the world I see.

MT: Where am I making myself a victim? I pride myself in being supremely responsible. I always take the blame for whatever goes wrong, rather than to put it on others.

JC: And when you carry the burden of guilt for your brother, what are you doing?

MT: I am releasing them. That's my contribution to a guiltless world.

JC: That's not a guiltless world. That is only a world where you blame yourself instead of someone else.

MT: Well, I'd much rather be in control, because I can change myself but I can't change others. I think you are onto something here, but it's a confusing place in my mind.

JC: So you would rather make others into the bad guys who can't take responsibility and who cravenly let you do it? Or too incompetent to hold their side of the bargain?

MT: What you are trying to tell me, I think, is that being overly responsible is victimization cloaked in responsibility.

JC: Yes. To blame others/to blame yourself are but two sides of the same coin.

MT: No wonder my life feels joyless so much of the time. I'm carrying the world on my shoulders, and resenting everybody else for not doing their share!

32

33 There is another way of looking at the world.

MT: This is another of those lessons, JC, where I got impatient the first time around. When is he going to get to the "real" Course? Why is he dillydallying with ways of seeing the world? Enough already! Now I see how fundamental this idea is to everything that follows. If I don't question the way I see the world and the way I think about it, the Course remains an empty, cerebral exercise. Nothing more.

JC: Yes, it is possible to know that what I'm telling you is true, and still not get it at the life level. Not get it where it really matters--what you do and how you think.

MT: But I know, now, when I'm buying into the illusion, that there is another way of looking at this.

JC: Major step forward. There was a time when you didn't know it.

MT: Those were the dark ages. But, it's odd, in some ways I was happier. There was an innocence to my life.

JC: You viewed the world through your husband's eyes, and that was enough.

MT: I've tried to view the world through my boyfriend's eyes, and it's definitely not enough. What does he know!

JC: Now you need to connect directly with God, because a human being cannot do it for you.

MT: We put so much faith in politicians and pundits and gurus, but everybody is equally deluded, all or most of the time. When all else fails, we place our hopes in the second coming of Christ, but you are already here! Before your arrival, we could blame someone else and lead an unconscious life, but now we need to be responsible for everything we think and do.

JC: That's the good news, isn't it. There is no hope, and there is hope. Like the title on your bookshelf: The situation is hopeless, but not serious.

34 I could see peace instead of this.

MT: Here I am, JC. Another morning on this plane. One out of an ever-dwindling supply.

JC: You could see peace instead of this. Look at the scarcity you are injecting into an abstraction: time.

MT: You caught me there. So this is an unpeaceful thought, and it had totally eluded scrutiny. What a trip. I could see peace instead of finite time that condemns me to death.

JC: If every thought of yours was one of peace, you would be transformed. The world would no longer exist. Your mind would be one with God's.

MT: The feeling of finiteness--is it all bad? Seeing the end approach gives me a kick in the rear. As Don Juan said, death is the advisor that sits on your left shoulder.

JC: How about walking together with my hand around your shoulders instead? Looking ahead with love instead of being shoved ahead by the fear nipping at your heels?

MT: Kicks in the rear are more familiar. That's been my motivator ever since I can remember.

JC: But that's your personal brand of separation: the thought that you are lazy and only punishment will propel you. You could see peace instead of this.

MT: The world I came into, my parents' world, was one where you are born bad and need to be made good. At heart you are a criminal who needs to be hammered into a saint. The body is basically defective and in need of medicine. The soul is a black stain to be washed by sacrifice. And how you fix your defects? Where's the repair shop? You go to church to be repaired. You listen to the preacher, of course. You contribute and listen and pray and give testimony. I can feel the bitterness in my mouth right now. I was deeply depressed by age 12. I wanted to die. Living was too much work.

JC: Today, you can see peace instead of this. The Kingdom is here. Why wait?

35 My mind is part of God's. I am very holy.

MT: I accept that, JC. My mind is part of God's. But holy? C'mon, get real!

JC: I do not use words lightly. You are very holy.

MT: Full of holes, maybe!

JC: So you want to argue with God and define yourself as a miserable, rotten sinner for whom nothing but death is good enough. Isn't that pretty arrogant?

MT: How do I know this is really the word of God? Maybe it's all a plot by the establishment, to get me to behave!

JC: So let me see. You are using your (holy) mind to run yourself down, because you think that any better opinion of you is wrong and a form of manipulation.

MT: I think it's true, that's all. I see the holes in me all the time.

JC: And that is the thought that makes you happy and complete. How can I argue with that.

MT: Well, no, that thought doesn't make me happy, but I think it is true. I pride myself in being a rigorous truth-seeker.

JC: You would rather say "I am full of holes" before someone else says it about you. That somehow makes you noble and beyond reproach. Now that's pretty slimy.

MT: JC, I give up. I'm just being sassy today. I sound like my sister who's been miserable all her life. I don't want to be like her. Even though it isn't perfect, my life works a whole lot better than hers.

JC: But maybe this gets you a step closer to the truth: that you create your own reality. Your sister makes up what she calls reality, such as it is. Peace to your mind. Let all your thoughts be still.

MT: Let all my thoughts be still today.

36 My holiness envelops everything I see.

MT: You say my (real) sight is related to God's holiness, not to my ego, and therefore not to my body. I guess the reason I haven't "seen" --not really--is that I define vision as something you do with your eyes. Could you comment, please?

JC: Vision is internal. It is a feeling. And you have vision, except that you don't let yourself recognize it.

MT: How so?

JC: You have capabilities now that were not possible thirty years ago. You are that much older, and you believe in the inevitability of decline with age, but that's something that got better, like good red wine! What do you make of that?

MT: You are referring to my ability to remember colors and color schemes, aren't you?

JC: Yes, but it's even more than that. You connect with your body in a very internal way. You connect with animals and children and plants in a feeling way. That's vision.

MT: I'm making esoteric what is really simple, then.

JC: Vision is perfectly natural. It is your God-given right. Now let your holiness envelop everything you see, and walk with God today.

37

38

39

40 I am blessed as a Son of God.

MT: I don't feel very blessed today. I woke up in my usual pickle of guilt over having wasted another day. Help!

JC: I am here for you. Let me put my arm around your shoulders.

MT: Thanks. Retirement was supposed to be a time of peace and fun and doing exactly what you like. Instead, I found a dozen different things to occupy my time, and I fight just about every one of them.

JC: Hmmmm.

MT: Hmmmmm to you too.

JC: So who makes the decisions?

MT: I do, and they are no good. If I choose X, I cannot do A, B, C, or D!

JC: Yes, with every choice there is a giving up of a dozen others, at least in the ego's world.

MT: This is an ego conflict, then. My problem is not that I don't know what to do, it is that I don't know what not to do. So I sleep a lot, play computer games, and shuffle around morosely.

JC: In the Kingdom, there are no conflicts. There is only joy.

MT: I really hate this. There is only joy. That's all you say. How do I get out of this pickle?

JC: What you are doing right now is a start. The conflict is not real, is it? You made it up as a way of torturing yourself. Deep down, you know it is not essential that you do anything. You are confused over unessential choices.

MT: So what IS essential?

JC: You don't know. Accept it that you do not have enough information to discriminate.

MT: Perhaps I need to meditate again. . . get in touch with the Source. But then, I think I need to do a lot of things! Is this just another task I'm assigning to myself?

JC: Why don't you ask, in meditation? Your only real need is to open up to God. Your connection to the ego's world gets less and less, but you don't have your direct line to God firmly in place. It is a fearful spot, to be without guidance. Getting back to the lesson, you are blessed as a Son of God. Stop holding on to the bars you made into a prison.

MT: Arrrrgh. And I'm committed to posting this, too, for all the world to see! My plight is public! So much for being Ms. Know-It-All!

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